It says that God knew us before we were born, that he already had our lives mapped out, but where or why in the whole scheme of things did i manage to draw the short stick, why did i have to put up with all the hurt and pain? What did i do to deserve that? Surely God couldn’t have wanted that for me, but then that leaves me asking why? Its not fair. I guess what really upsets me is that often in church they go on about the things that happen in our lives is OUR choice, its OUR choice that we let the past get us down. It just makes me feel really crap cause i would never not in a million years choose to be stuck in the life im in, i would never choose to be miserable and live in fear. I have made many choices to try and heal or move on from this but nothing has worked yet, but im still trying. I feel stupid and pathetic for feeling this way especially when people say that i basically choose to live the way i do or that it is as easy as just a choice not to feel the way i do, because if its just a choice then why cant i be free of it, if its that simple then why cant i do it. I know this is not the way God wanted me to live, and i also understand that he would not put me in a situation that i couldnt handle, like when i was a kid, but then for people to say that the way i feel due to the experiences is as simple as a choice not to then that is what makes me feel so worthless.