silent fears

It says that God knew us before we were born, that he already had our lives mapped out, but where or why in the whole scheme of things did i manage to draw the short stick, why did i have to put up with all the hurt and pain? What did i do to deserve that? Surely God couldn’t have wanted that for me, but then that leaves me asking why? Its not fair. I guess what really upsets me is that often in church they go on about the things that happen in our lives is OUR choice, its OUR choice that we let the past get us down. It just makes me feel really crap cause i would never not in a million years choose to be stuck in the life im in, i would never choose to be miserable and live in fear. I have made many choices to try and heal or move on from this but nothing has worked yet, but im still trying. I feel stupid and pathetic for feeling this way especially when people say that i basically choose to live the way i do or that it is as easy as just a choice not to feel the way i do, because if its just a choice then why cant i be free of it, if its that simple then why cant i do it. I know this is not the way God wanted me to live, and i also understand that he would not put me in a situation that i couldnt handle, like when i was a kid, but then for people to say that the way i feel due to the experiences is as simple as a choice not to then that is what makes me feel so worthless.

UGH

Ever felt as if you’re not whole anymore? Like, you’ve lost your smile, your laugh, your own self, you identity? And no matter how hard you try you just cant figure out why you feel that way, and no matter what you cant find a way to get back to how things were before. You cant get yourself back to the person you once were, or even the person you want to be?

I am a survivor, not a victim, a survivor. I have been through a hell of a lot but i have SURVIVED..wow it feels good to say it and actually believe it for once. My body resembles all that has happened to me through scars and yes they are the one thing i hate most about my body but they are also the signs of survival. It may not have been good ways of coping, but it kept me going when i thought i couldn’t. My scars show pain but they also show in a way how strong i really am, because for me to go through 11 years of abuse and only come out with scars on my body is an acomplishment (yeah i have many internal issues around it still but i’ll get there) but the fact i am still alive is all that matters. It has now been over a year since the last time he hurt me and i know it will never happen again. I know with all i am that i am safe, from him at least. My scars are there to represent my past not to represent my worth and who i am and as time goes by when they start to heal, hopefully my internal struggles will heal too and there will be less of a hold over my life. I am determined not to let my past and insecurities get the best of me, I am a fighter and I can do this!

I am 18 years old and i have not had the easiest life. From the age of 6 i was sexually abused till last year when it finally stopped, thanks to the support of an amazing friend. I have been delt the short straw a few too many times but im still here right and thats all that matters. I may be depressed, i may have suffered with an eating disorder but where i am at now in my life is the best i have ever been and its only going to get better from here on in. I have set up this blog for me basically, so i can get out my ideas and thoughts and just to give me something to do really, i enjoy writing, its how i best get out whats inside, cause when i cant put words aloud to it i can generally put in on paper (or computer in this case).

I wouldnt be where i am today without the help from my best friend and i have so much to thank her for, i’ll forever be grateful. :)